Working on SAT essay?

Question by Anonymous: Working on SAT essay?
I’m practicing for the SAT test and would like to know what I need to work on. How would the following essay be scored?

Modern society should be considered materialistic. In an effort to strike a balance to create a wholesome society, materialism must be viewed in both a positive and negative light. A hedge fund manager in Connecticut may drive his business forward towards great profits to pursue his materialistic endeavors while an indebted father may focus solely on bringing home an income to support his family. At the same time, the mayor of a small town in South Carolina may be accused of materialism because he turned a portion of his city’s park into a golf course. All should be considered materialistic, both positively and negatively.

Freidrick Mendel has been the manager of Hevkon Investments for the past 7 years. In early 2000, Mendel’s desire to upgrade to a larger home and buy a Porsche drove him to fiercly work to improve the profits of his team. Mendel’s team was successful in rasing profits by 3 billion dollars; Mendel was able to buy the house and car of his dreams. Mendel may be considered highly materialistic, but his materialism drove him to invest in a steel company which provided materials to build a cancer research center.

Comparably, a young father of two children struggles to repay his debts from college. He works 60 hours a week building bridges. He doesn’t care that he hates his job. He just wants the income to keep his nose above the water financially. This man may be considered materialistic because he is solely focused on financing his family’s life, but his work aids people in their daily lives.

In continuation, Mayor Cantrell of South Carolina has recently demolished a portion of a local recreational park to build a golf course. The citizens of Cantrell’s city are infuriated by Mayor Cantrell’s overt materialism. What the citizens have overlooked is the fact that the city’s income has dropped by 10% from last year increasing the possibility of debt and this new golf course could encourage new visitors while raising more money.

In conclusion, Mendel, the father, and Cantrell are the type of people who make up our modern society. They are all materialistic in their own rights just as society is materialistic in many ways. It is this materialism that should be probed through a positive and a negative lense so that one can obtain a clear view and understanding of materialism in our modern society.

Best answer:

Answer by Jon
Note: It would be helpful if you told us what your essay prompt was. For now I will give your essay a score of 6, possibly an 8.

The first noticeable flaw of your essay is your lack of a thesis, a sentence that introduces the reader to your ideas. You take a stand, but it sadly morphs into vagueness as you try to “neutralize” it by considering positives and negatives. In general, for SAT essays, choose a position, and defend it well.

As for sentence writing, sound confident. For example, instead of “Modern society should be considered materialistic,” you should write, “Modern society is materialistic.” And don’t give empty words and phrases, like “balance to create a wholesome society.” It’s unclear to the reader what “balance” and “wholesomeness” are referring to. And don’t start repeating yourself in one paragraph. You should repeat the main idea in the concluding paragraph, yes, but don’t start repeating already-mentioned ideas within one paragraph.

Introductions for SAT essays should be brief and to the point. There is no need to start rambling off in the beginning of your essay; you want to write the body paragraphs with good analysis and details and still have time left over to write a resounding conclusion.

If you feel like it, you can write one or two good examples, instead of three. What matters is not how many examples you use, but the analysis of the examples. Your body paragraphs are weak and lack the analysis component. For instance, I don’t see how Mendel’s investments in a steel factory was considered charitable simply because a cancer research center used the steel from the steel factory to build it; nor do I see how this directly relates to materialism.

Finally, use appropriate transition words. “Comparably” doesn’t make sense because clearly Mendel’s lifestyle is not equal to that of the young father of two. Also, begin your body paragraphs with general statements, and then dive into the specific story scenario. This helps keep your body paragraphs focused and minimizes the chance of going off topic.

(tl;dr): A good SAT essay takes a stand, has a good thesis, doesn’t waste space on unnecessary detail, has good analysis, has relevant examples, and has a strong conclusion.

Good luck on your SAT essay writing! The best way to prepare is to write often and analyze examples of good essays.

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