Is my SAT essay any good.?

Question by Anonymous: Is my SAT essay any good.?
I’m practicing for the SAT test and would like to know what I need to work on. How would the following essay be scored?

Modern society should be considered materialistic. In an effort to strike a balance to create a wholesome society, materialism must be viewed in both a positive and negative light. A hedge fund manager in Connecticut may drive his business forward towards great profits to pursue his materialistic endeavors while an indebted father may focus solely on bringing home an income to support his family. At the same time, the mayor of a small town in South Carolina may be accused of materialism because he turned a portion of his city’s park into a golf course. All should be considered materialistic, both positively and negatively.

Freidrick Mendel has been the manager of Hevkon Investments for the past 7 years. In early 2000, Mendel’s desire to upgrade to a larger home and buy a Porsche drove him to fiercly work to improve the profits of his team. Mendel’s team was successful in rasing profits by 3 billion dollars; Mendel was able to buy the house and car of his dreams. Mendel may be considered highly materialistic, but his materialism drove him to invest in a steel company which provided materials to build a cancer research center.

Comparably, a young father of two children struggles to repay his debts from college. He works 60 hours a week building bridges. He doesn’t care that he hates his job. He just wants the income to keep his nose above the water financially. This man may be considered materialistic because he is solely focused on financing his family’s life, but his work aids people in their daily lives.

In continuation, Mayor Cantrell of South Carolina has recently demolished a portion of a local recreational park to build a golf course. The citizens of Cantrell’s city are infuriated by Mayor Cantrell’s overt materialism. What the citizens have overlooked is the fact that the city’s income has dropped by 10% from last year increasing the possibility of debt and this new golf course could encourage new visitors while raising more money.

In conclusion, Mendel, the father, and Cantrell are the type of people who make up our modern society. They are all materialistic in their own rights just as society is materialistic in many ways. It is this materialism that should be probed through a positive and a negative lense so that one can obtain a clear view and understanding of materialism in our modern society.

Best answer:

Answer by Philip
I have little idea what a SAT is (not from USA, sorry) but I did like your essay, very thought provoking.

could you not somehow bring into the conclusion a thought about our own personal relationship with materialism, not just leave it at our modern society as a whole?

What do you think? Answer below!